The Unstoppable Growth Found Within Accountability

Accountability? Why does that word instantly make us feel like we are undergoing a punishment? I don’t know about you, but I spent years of my life running away from accountability. For the simple fact that I was right and the world was wrong. Blaming negative situations, feelings, and actions on everything and everybody else kept me safe. It kept me from having to look inward and own up to having anything wrong with me at all. Why do many of us feel the need to do this?

It is a defense mechanism. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we are utilizing it as this because, over time, we truly convince ourselves that it’s everybody else’s fault but our own. (It’s almost like a compulsive liar getting to the point where they truly believe their lies.) Having this mindset for a prolonged period of time not only ruins relationships but also ends up putting a direct halt to our development as men or women.

When our development ceases to prosper, we often find ourselves depressed, miserable, unfulfilled, sad, withdrawn, etc. Stepping into our truest selves becomes a fantasy because in order to expand past our limitations, we must be open to the possibilities of growth. However, if we open ourselves to those possibilities then we must be prepared to fail, and not just once, but a lot of times, over the entire course of our lives.

Our failures reveal our shortcomings, allowing us to address what we might need to work on. However, if we are too ignorant to understand this, we close those doors of opportunity altogether.

You might ask, “Well, how is getting a flat tire on the side of the road when I’m already late for work my fault?” And I would say to you, “Have you maintained your tire upkeep? Did you wake up late again? Is procrastination something you struggle with?” If you still answer no to all those things, then it is within our REACTION to what happens to us that becomes the focal point. Are you screaming, yelling, crying, and spiking those cortisol levels over a silly flat tire? Do you think, “This whole day is ruined?” because of one isolated incident that happened in the morning, so now you’re in a bad mood the rest of the day? Our reactions to life are just as important as our physical actions are.

The point is, there is ALWAYS something we can improve on. Our negative experiences throughout life just make us more aware of what we might be able to work on.

When it comes to my personal experience with this topic, one of my hurdles regarding accountability was my struggle with alcoholism. I grew up in a family that always threw big parties or went out, and I eventually found my way into a friend group that lived to party. I thought this is what people do when they grow up. They go out, drink alcohol, and make crazy memories with friends! Everything I did revolved around drinking. Swimming, bowling, BBQs, holidays, birthdays, boating, volleyball, camping, four-wheeling, road trips, football games, dancing, concerts, etc. ALL of it revolved around booze. While I began drinking to numb the dreadful feelings accompanied by my own insecurities and dislike for myself at fourteen, I tricked my brain into thinking everyone else was the problem. When I would start a fight, treat friends/family poorly, or go off the rails after one too many drinks it was rarely ever my fault. If it wasn’t somebody else, it was always because of the alcohol, not me. Because I was surrounded by people who always drank, it was easy to say, “I’m fine! I just like to party and get wild. Y’all are the controlling assholes trying to diagnose me with something that isn’t real.” This slowly turned into rebellion which further pushed me down a path of destruction. I began pushing the family and friends away who expressed concern for me and further stuck to my guns that they were the problem, not me.

It took me almost twenty years to hold myself accountable for my actions. The people’s lives I put at stake while constantly drinking and driving, the God-awful things I said and did to people who love me, and the insurmountable pain I put myself and my body through behind closed doors because I hated so much of who I was.

I remember at one of my lowest points I was sitting on the floor of the apartment I lived in alone. I had just drank straight out of a Crown Royal bottle till all of it was gone. My friends had dropped me off before they headed to the bars for the night because I got smashed well before 9 pm when we were heading out. I remember everything being hazy and feeling sorry for myself. “How dare they just leave me at my apartment while they all get to go out and have fun? They must be embarrassed of me. They must not care about me. Some friends they are! I am worthless” I drowned my sorrows while crying on my living room floor. I looked out my back door at the sky and remember crying out loud, “Why God?! Why do you keep hurting me like this? Why did you make me this way? Do you enjoy my pain? I don’t want to live anymore. Please put me out of this misery. Please!” I begged. My hair was a mess and sticking to the tears and snot I had running down my face. I could barely sit up on my own and just remember feelings so sorry for myself.

This was one of many nights I begged God to take my life. There were other evenings when I held a knife to my wrist or held a handful of pills just seconds away from ending it all myself since God wouldn’t answer my pleas. I blamed him. I blamed my friends. I blamed my family. I blamed everyone for who I was becoming because, in my mind, I really was hopeless and had no choice in the matter. This was me, and no one accepted it because I convinced myself I was unlovable. I was nothing. I would never be good enough and this was just how God destined my life to be.

The truth was, I wasn’t accepting of myself. I knew deep down that everything I had done and all the choices that brought extreme shame to my existence were all my own doing, but holding myself accountable for it meant everyone else was right, and I was wrong. Twenty years of being wrong is a lot to accept, let alone, process. It’s a hard pill to swallow because the minute you FINALLY embrace accountability it is accompanied by lots of guilt. However, the faster you can hold yourself accountable for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, the less it snowballs into an irreversible source of shame, regret, and resentment.

In case you are as stubborn as me and waited years before finally embracing accountability, that massive wave of shame that seems to hit you once you let your denial slip can almost feel unbearable. It is this shockwave that can send many of us back into utilizing toxic coping mechanisms- drug use, alcohol, sex, eating, etc. to rid ourselves of this pain. That is why it is crucial to find a healthy outlet to recycle your pain. For me, it was lifting weights, but for you, it could be cooking, crafting, reading, writing, church, AA, hiking, fishing, yoga, meditating, etc. Find what helps you feel alive, not what helps deaden the pain. It is within the recycling of our pain in a healthy way that we begin to prove to ourselves that we are better than the person who led us to hurt so many people and ourselves for so long. It is within this process we learn to forgive ourselves, but it does not happen overnight, so you must be patient and give yourself grace.

At the end of the day when you constantly feel the need to validate yourself by placing blame on something or somebody else, you slowly acquire a subconscious bitterness that affects every area of your life. Lacking accountability makes for a miserable existence.

Holding yourself accountable does not equate to punishment. It provides the fundamental building blocks you need in order to step into your best self and enter your best life. Everything begins and ends with YOU.