Why We Must Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Acceptance begins at a very young age. The minute we enter school, we realize that the beauty within our unique selves doesn’t always fit in with society’s standards. We begin to understand how the world works, which is unfortunate because the world does not love you the same way your family or someone close to you loves you. You will not be accepted by everyone. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re not accepted at all.

I was one of those kids. I had a very small group of friends, but the majority of my peers constantly bullied me. If it wasn’t making fun of my appearance (I had ears that stuck out terribly), then I was getting physically bullied. One day, a boy who bullied me often, ended up breaking my arm in gym class when I was just eight years old.

What can I say? My childhood was tough during the school year. That is, till I got surgery at 13 years old to “correct” my ears.

But by then the damage was done. I developed lifelong mental trauma surrounding acceptance and the deep fear of being rejected.

Maybe you weren’t bullied, but perhaps your parents got a divorce when you were little or a parent was absent in your life, so you grew up thinking something was wrong with you. Maybe you were pushed to be perfect as a child which made you grow up thinking if you weren’t perfect, then you wouldn’t be good enough.

These are all childhood traumas that we tend to hold on to into adulthood.

When we don’t recognize these pains within ourselves, we develop coping mechanisms that are toxic to ourselves and others.

Many times, these toxic traits get overlooked because we hold on to the traumas of our past and blame them for why we are the way we are. As the years go on, we will begin to see patterns. Patterns of falling in love and being rejected. Patterns of dependency. Patterns of losing ourselves while trying to grow with another.

In my own experience, while I was loved by my family, I wanted nothing more than for someone to romantically fall in love with me. I wanted someone to see my flaws, the scars of my past, and the wounds I continued to carry with me, and be able to accept and love the Amanda underneath all of those pains.

Unfortunately, because I’ve feared rejection by anyone who says they love me, I’ll begin to act out in fear and anxiety, which pushes everyone away the deeper I get into relationships. I cling to that person for dear life, afraid if I set boundaries or loosen the attention I give them, that they will leave me like all the others. And you know what happens? They detach or leave me anyway.

For decades I have ignored the cycle that constantly transpires in my life surrounding the fear of rejection and falling in love with someone. I’ll give up and change anything in my life that my admirer might not agree with. I’ll expire so much of my energy into what I THINK the other person wants that I begin to lose myself. As a result, I am no longer the person my admirer met in the beginning. I turn into someone who runs off anxiety, insecurity, and panic.

The same feelings I had as a kid when walking into school.

The way I molded myself to fit in as a teenager, so people would accept me, is the same thing, I do in every relationship I find myself in. It wasn’t until today, and as I write this, that I’ve realized I’ve been running off of fear. Because of that, I am NEVER my truest self with anyone. Therefore, no one ever gets to experience the real me. The me who is outgoing, fun, independent, and happy. Sure, they get to see slivers, which is what pulls them in, but it is never consistent down the line.

So, if you’re reading this and thinking, YASSS, ME TOO!” Then you’re probably wondering how you stop fearing rejection. You might not enjoy the answer, because it’s what so many of us fear even more than rejection and that is solitude.

It isn’t until we are rejected so many times, and we are forced to be alone, that we begin to understand the toxicity we’ve been creating in our life. When you are alone you will probably cry many tears and that’s ok. It could last days or even weeks. This is the immense amount of grief you’ve built up over all the years you’ve feared rejection coming out as tears.

When you are FINALLY forced to detach from what you have been holding on to so tightly the pain is like a thunderbolt to your heart. It’s going to be one of the worst pains you’ve ever felt in your life, and you might think you will never recover, until one day you begin to.

God works in mysterious ways. A lot of times we think he’s deliberately trying to torture or hurt us, but I assure you, you are in his best interest always. There is always a loving lesson to be learned within the pains we withstand during our lives.

Once alone, you will begin to rediscover yourself. You will notice the pieces of you that might have temporarily vanished due to the fear of someone not loving or accepting you because there’s no longer someone there to abandon or hurt you. There is no more dependency on someone to make you feel safe or worthy. There’s no more pleasing anyone but yourself. You will reconnect with your soul, and you will step into who you were always meant to be.

This will not happen overnight, and it will take some time, so be patient with yourself. Each day that passes is an opportunity to step into your truest self without fearing rejection from anyone. Step into being that woman or man. Embrace it. You are no longer that fearful child you were all those years ago.

You are you, now! Once you realize and embrace this, you can move forward in your life by being proud of who you are. You can finally begin to learn how to truly love yourself.

Eventually, you can finally be with someone who loves you for the authentic you, and this will bring out the best parts of you, not the toxic coping mechanisms that come from fearing their rejection.

You will finally, FINALLY break the cycle that’s haunted you all these years. And for that, I applaud you, my friend. Because this will be one of the hardest lessons you overcome in your life. Discovering your worth feels damn near impossible, but it’s there, hidden under all the pains you’ve been burdening yourself with for far too long. That version of you is worthy of the greatest love of all and you will FINALLY begin to believe that.