How to Break the Toxic Cycle of Dependency

Fear. Fear drives us forward in the most limiting way possible. For me, the fear of being alone was more terrifying than jumping out of an airplane with no backup shoot. However, fear has a very slick way of disguising itself as intuition or common sense.

Most of us do not realize that fear is an emotion created in our subconscious. Our subconscious is a part of our mind that we are not entirely aware of which ironically influences many of our feelings and choices in life. Because of this, much of our life is driven by fear and we don’t even realize it.

They say love is blind, but that’s because many of us go into love with the underlying fear that we will be alone forever if we don’t find someone to spend the rest of our lives with. We cling, we get attached, and we convince ourselves that love is what drives our passion toward someone when in reality it’s insecurity.

From my personal experience, I have loved many over the years and found myself continuously ending up heartbroken. I’m sure many women who are divorced, have broken off an engagement, or are still single in their thirties and up can relate to this same conflict.

Instead of recognizing the toxic dependency we possess within ourselves, we tend to do one of two things. We either convince ourselves that it’s always the other person’s fault or we deem ourselves “unlovable” and slowly spiral into depression regarding how we see ourselves.

I’m a very loving, thoughtful, and affectionate woman, but over the years, I also suffered from low self-esteem and constantly felt insecure. Not only that, but I also fueled my insecurities and the problems within my relationships by abusing alcohol.

All my walls would come down when was given the title of girlfriend, fiance, or wife. I’d give 500% of myself to the other person, and I’d be planning and envisioning the rest of our lives together, all while brewing up a ticking time bomb of toxic love within my heart, but that part I wasn’t aware of at the time.

Some called me “needy”, some called me “too much”, and some referred to me as “emotionally exhausting.” Hearing those things really shattered me each time a man had said them to me because in my mind I was just loving them and making them my top priority. And in return, I just wanted the same.

This was toxic thinking, but because my toxicity was coming from a very good place my subconscious would always validate that I was doing nothing wrong by giving my all and wanting the same in return.

What I did not realize is it smothered the other person. It also caused resentment to build within my relationships.

By relying on my partner to return the stifling attention I gave them, I also deteriorated any healthy boundaries and began to put too much pressure on my partner to reflect that fear-driven passion.

I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if any of this resonates with you, then you my friend, are also allowing fear to control your life.

The fear of losing someone validates the fear of not being good enough for someone. This goes hand in hand with not having self-worth. This creates a valid cause and effect within our brains and makes us go into a dependency cycle that can last a lifetime if we don’t become aware of it to stop it. Again, your subconscious will mask this as intuition which drives fear to take complete control over our lives.

I went through several long-term relationships from the time I was 14 till I was 26. Then I went through a marriage that ended with divorce after I had my daughter, and I STILL couldn’t see my dependency issues clearly.

It wasn’t till God sent me someone who literally felt like they completed me on a level I had never felt before. The overwhelming love I poured into him was reciprocated tenfold and for the first time in my life, I felt totally safe and secure with someone. It was as if it was too good to be true and each day his affection toward me validated that I was finally good enough for someone.

Until life happened.

My fairytale world collapsed before my very eyes after 3 years of being together and engaged.

The people who personally know me are quick to judge the situation and begin pointing fingers, however, after surviving the most painful heartbreak of my life, I really understood how toxic my attachment was. No matter how much I want to believe my attachment wasn’t PART of the problem that caused us to break off our engagement, I KNOW it most certainly was part of the reason.

I can’t even type into words the emotional pain I went through. It was worse than physical pain and I’m not being dramatic when I say I felt like I was dying. Not only did I love this person more than the air I breathed, but I also could never imagine providing for my daughter on my own and surviving without someone validating my existence and loving me each day I woke up.

But guess what? The world continued to spin. Life continued on and somehow, I survived that which I thought I couldn’t.

I donated plasma twice a week and got a second job delivering food outside of my full-time job of owning my own personal salon. I cried more in 2023 than I ever have in my life and what made it even MORE challenging was I was newly sober.

No alcohol to escape the emotional pain. No going out to bars to distract me from the stress I felt in my day-to-day life. And because there was no alcohol in my system, there were no other escapes like cutting myself like I had done in the past when drunk.

No, this time, it was real raw pain and I HAD to endure it. For the first time in my life, I had NOTHING to depend on to help me through it. I truly felt hopeless.

My life felt……well OVER.

I remember one moment when I was sitting on the toilet lid in my bathroom. My head was in my hands and I was trying to hide crying from my four-year-old. (You can’t hide sh*t from children, I swear haha) I had no idea how I was going to afford all our bills and I was still trying to accept that I was all alone. My daughter came over, grabbed my face in her little hands, and said, “Don’t cry, momma. I love you so much.” And her precious arms wrapped around my neck and hugged me tight.

It was at that moment I realized I had a person who was dependent on ME. As long as I continue to be dependent on other people to bring me my self-worth and to support me financially, I will NEVER be able to provide the love, care, and attention my baby girl deserves, and I will never break the dependency cycle that she would then learn from me.

So what did I do?

I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I got my ass up and I began to strive! It wasn’t easy most days, but I refused to let life keep me at my knees. I FINALLY broke the cycle of dependency I had relied on my entire life.

Sometimes the most profound lessons we learn in life are the absolute most painful ones. Sometimes it takes the crushing of your soul to ignite the pieces back to life that you never knew were dead.

Today, my daughter looks at me and smiles. She is always telling me, “You’re the best momma ever! I love you.”

All I can think is, “Yeah, I kinda am aren’t I?” haha

I love my daughter more than anything in this world and I give a large portion of credit to her for making me realize the areas I could improve on as a mother and woman in general, so thank you so much, my sweet Pennie.

Our worth rests inside of us and we will never find it if we always look outside of ourselves and allow fear to control our choices. Break the cycle! It is never too late.