Why Chasing Love Does Not Result in Being Loved

From the time we are small children we are programmed to fantasize about love, our wedding day, and our happily ever after (especially if you’re a little girl). If you were anything like me as a child, you found yourself watching Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast on repeat. I remember fluttering my little eyes and letting out a dreamy sigh as I watched the princes and the beast go to the ends of the earth just to prove their love to the fair maidens who rejected them.

My mother always said, “Amanda, you’re my little romance child.” As I got older, I found myself completely consumed with romance novels. I didn’t realize it at the time, but all of these fanciful depictions of love that I read in stories and saw in movies were only setting me up to have my heart broken over and over again.

To this day I struggle with how I perceive love. I am an old soul. I love the act of chivalry. I love the feeling of being protected by a man. And as an adult, I still find myself fluttering my eyes and letting out a sigh when I watch romance movies hoping that I could have someone look at me as if I was every prayer, they ever asked God for.

If this resonates with you, then I can only imagine how many times you have had your heart broken by clinging to the hope that someone can love you as you dreamed of being loved.

The problem with the fictional stories we find ourselves captivated by is that love does not chase us. Not like it does in the movies. We think that if we hold on for dear life, allow people to treat us less than we are, or chase love until someone finally chases us back that we will FINALLY feel the love we’ve always wanted to experience.

Unfortunately, love is not produced from the outside in. Love can only ever come from within yourself. Many of us think that if someone can put us on a pedestal and treat us like we matter that we will finally be validated enough to start loving ourselves. What ends up happening is heartache after heartache until you reveal the lesson you’ve been denying yourself to see.

Instead of allowing the constant rejection to make us stronger and recognize our worth, many of us (myself included) revert to the thoughts of, “I’m never going to be good enough.” or “I’m always going to be unlovable.” This is us denying the lesson. As a result, you will continue to pursue the same type of person who will end up breaking your heart the same way the others did.

It’s taken me 33 years to realize it, but none of us are unlovable. You’re not too broken to be valued. You are just looking to be loved by everyone but yourself.

When you choose to only love pieces of yourself you will find that the partner you end up with will only love pieces of you as well. If you find yourself hating everything about yourself, then you will end up with someone who also has zero respect and value for the man or woman you are. The only way to break the toxic cycle is to begin the long hard journey of loving yourself unconditionally.

When we focus on loving ourselves, when we focus on nurturing ourselves the way the characters in the movies nurture each other, that is when someone special will enter your life. That is when you meet someone who will go to the ends of the earth to keep you and love you the way you deserve. Until then, you must learn to accept and love yourself for who you are. It is not always easy, and there will be setbacks, but I assure you love will enter your life without force once you stop chasing it.

I refuse to let a world that is so dark dim the light that surrounds what I believe to be love. I refuse to believe chivalry is dead. I do believe there are love stories that mimic the connection we read in books between lovers, but too many of us believe we have to chase it to experience it.

I’m here to tell you to stop chasing. Stop looking for your worth in another person. Stop trying so damn hard to be loved unconditionally. The truth is your soul is beautiful. You are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you. Every heart break you go through is not to make you love yourself less but to help you start loving yourself more! Look in the mirror and begin to fall in love with what you see staring back at you. Eventually, someone special will come along and match it.