Three Ways Alcohol Hindered My Ability to See Clearly

Alcohol has always been a large part of my life. Generations of my family have struggled with Alcoholism, while others simply love the social aspect of it. When I was fourteen, I got drunk for the first time.

I was a shy girl, who struggled with years of bullying due to my ears sticking out, so after I got surgery to pin them back before starting my freshman year of high school, I went into 9th grade a very nervous and meek girl. I wondered if I’d still be bullied, or if I’d FINALLY fit in.

Honestly, I felt unnoticed, which was better than being the brunt of people’s jokes, but I didn’t want to be hidden. What I wanted, was acceptance.

When I discovered alcohol and how being drunk magically brought me confidence, outgoingness, and zero fear of what others thought of me, it became my “medicine” to cure traumas from my past. I utilized it heavily for ten years before I decided I needed to be sober for at least a year to rid myself of the bad habits I acquired.

While I thought alcohol was numbing previous pains that brought me hatred toward myself, what it was actually doing was manifesting MORE reasons to hate myself.

As years passed by, I disliked what I saw in the mirror more and more. I’d feel regret after waking up from a night of partying and the choices I had made while intoxicated. My self-esteem began to plummet, till I began utilizing things like carving into my arm. I did this to take away from the emotional pain when my alcohol tolerance was no longer able to numb me. I also began vomiting up meals because I felt unattractive, while sometimes practicing anorexic behaviors for days at a time too.

I completed my first year of sobriety at 26 years of age and met my ex-husband during that time. Soon after I completed my year, I slowly brought alcohol back into my life. Before long I started to notice I began utilizing alcohol to cope with my marital problems. I wasn’t drinking as often as before, but it was enough to bring resentment and dislike into my marriage. I decided to become sober again. This time I went two years sober.

I had my daughter with my ex, while sober, but the damage in our relationship had already been done. We were two people who were never quite going to fit together.

I remained abstinent during my divorce which is when I met Brandon. I convinced myself that because my relationship was the strongest it had ever been with anyone, and because Brandon was MY PERSON, I would be able to start drinking casually again. And so, I did.

I always tried bringing alcohol back into my life because it’s what “normal” people do, and I’ve always wanted to be “normal”. Moms always joke about drinking wine to cope with motherhood, people go on all-inclusive vacations to enjoy endless Miami Vices and Pina Coladas, and the country life I so enjoy living runs off ice-cold beer and sunshine.

Brandon and I drank together from time to time, and some days I’d stop at one or two drinks, no problem. Other times I’d find myself overindulging again. After two and a half years of trying to convince myself, I could be like everyone else while drinking, B and I went on a break from our relationship for one month to work on ourselves.

It was during that break that I realized that while I’ve made leaps and bounds in shedding the toxic coping mechanisms I acquired in my younger years, I still had this deep-rooted wound that was hanging on by a thread.

It was still causing turmoil and pain in my life, but I completely overlooked it since it wasn’t a weekly habit practiced in my life. It was and always had been alcohol and the negative effects that always followed when I drank it.

Sobriety doesn’t make you broken, it’s a choice that some decide to make, so they can remain fully conscious of themselves and the lives they aspire to live. For me, alcohol blinded me, and sobriety has always helped me see each time I’ve practiced it. Here are three ways alcohol hindered my ability to see clearly and why I am going sober permanently for the third and final time:

1. Confidence is Not Created Through Addictive Behaviors

Whether you choose drugs, sex, alcohol, eating disorders, harming yourself, etc. your confidence is a figment of your imagination when you are in an altered or emotional state of mind. Confidence is created through clarity. The clarity of your life. The clarity in your choices in life. The clarity in your mindset. When you rid yourself of substances or behaviors that numb or ease the pain of disliking yourself or because of something horrible that happened in your past, you essentially place a wet bacteria-infected Band-Aid over those wounds. Eventually, those toxic habits further infect your mind with negative thoughts, the Band-Aid falls off, and the “infection” grows.

2. Alcohol Acts as a Fuel Source for Negativity

Alcohol is AMAZING at appearing as a release of stress, pain, and heartbreak. In reality, it is the fuel source used to magnify the negative feelings attached to those things. However, that toxic factor is typically not discovered until very late into the evening or the next morning. Factually alcohol is a depressant. It is classified as this because of how it decreases the activity in your central nervous system and brain when consumed. However, it does release dopamine and serotonin which are two “feel good” hormones that trick you into thinking you are “happy” or “confident” when you start to catch that addictive buzz. Don’t fall for it!

3. Alcohol Lowers Our Vibrational State

I’ve spoken of this in previous posts. Everything has energy and gives off vibrations that are sent out into the universe. When we live in a high vibrational state, we transmit positive energy which attracts abundance, prosperity, and bliss. When we live in a low vibrational state, we radiate negative energy into the universe which attracts turmoil, misfortune, and mental illness. I think we can all relate to waking up from a night of drinking and regretting what we might have done the evening before. Alcohol lowers our vibration which furthers the possibility of healing emotions we may have suppressed over days, weeks, and years. That is why many people try to “numb” themselves with booze when they’ve had a bad day, are going through a rough time, or feel emotional pain. Utilizing a substance or practicing a toxic habit will only prolong healing in the long run.

I used to think if I permanently went sober that I would be admitting I had something wrong with me. But I realized that part of my healing was to embrace not fitting in with the world that surrounds me. From the time I was young I wanted to “belong.” After thirty-three years, I’ve learned that fitting in is just another way you can imprison yourself. I spent a large chunk of my life conforming to the masses and hoping others love me for it, when all along I was just blocking myself from the greatest love of all, self-love.

Today I feel free! Free from the shackles of social acceptance. Today, and every day forward, I choose to embrace myself and in doing so, I hope I heighten my spirituality and strengthen my healing abilities. I hope in the years that follow I can help others escape the prison many of us find ourselves in and one that took me three decades to free myself from.